Madison Beer

In terms of peace, I wonder about the exhaustion that's present while desperately asking for boundaries online in a world where the word kindness is so easily thrown around yet so tricky to find, especially in a world with social media. I'm curious whether the limbo between the uncertainty of what you'll receive makes it harder or if there is a sense of therapy to it, no matter the reaction. I wanted to know what is essential to Madison when sharing her reality through her music?

"It's really about honesty. I feel like I'm in a place where I can be honest and vulnerable and not feel that that is a weakness. It actually feels more like a strength to me. I think that a lot of my writing is honest. I try to let myself channel all the hardships and use them to hopefully make a great song if that's what I want to come out of it. I guess I think let's make it all worth it. But it can be hard. Being vulnerable in any capacity to a big audience is difficult." It's all been worth it, Madison explains, and as for the connection, she's felt writing from an honest place has created a fan base, or more so, a community where grace is not only allowed but encouraged. "They (her fan base) are amazing. They're so receptive." In a moment of reflection, Madison quickly rewinds and second-guesses how many of her followers will read or care about the interview. It is overly modest, but the chance they will is all she needs. "It's really awesome when people want to give other people a chance and not just write them off as whatever they read online. I think it's cool when someone wants to make a judgment for themselves rather than buying into nonsense and whatever."

The effect of years of judgment has played a part in her struggle and growth in her evolving identity.

"My adolescence has been really confusing to me, actually, my whole life, it's been something I've struggled with understanding." Is it something you feel has been defined by others, something you've searched for over the years I ask? "I've only felt like I've been able to figure it out for myself in recent years, but even still, I have moments where I have this imposter syndrome, part of me where I just don't feel like I belong anywhere and certain places." It sounds tough. "It's hard, for sure. I sort of blame my very youthful, pivotal years and having people critique everything I did. Who even Am I if someone has something to say about it. It's been a journey. I feel like I've now been able to find myself a bit more". Having made it through or at least partially through the maze that is public perception Madison still has several questions. "Who is Madison? What does it mean?" She asks, "I think we all forget that everyone is doing it for the first time. We're all just trying our best. And I believe that."

Hearing Madison's belief system is an absolute comfort. I have found many questions left in the wake of trauma, especially PTSD, so to speak to one another in the comfort and safety of our homes on the subject is a breath of fresh air. The honesty and vulnerability are absolute. I asked Madison if, like myself, she found herself overnight having no idea about anything or who you are anymore due to how our bodies present PTSD and the rebuilding of those blocks.

"I think that trauma shocks our system, especially if it's something you have never been through. It was an experience that was so unique it was hard to process. It's like, you're trying to understand what has happened and how to make sense of it. And sometimes, you literally can't. It can be confusing and completely throw off everything you thought you knew about yourself. Because even your reaction, you're like, I didn't even know that I could feel so dissociative from who I am. It's such a bewildering experience to go through a massive trauma, then to have PTSD and have all these triggers that linger within your life that you can't anticipate. They come on, and you feel it all over again" The empathy felt is apparent as we connect. "It's just so difficult. I often remember my first long-term relationship, which I was in for four and a half years of my teenage years. And I was like, who am I without this? Who am I alone? I didn't know, because I'd never experienced it before. We all have such a hard time being like, this is me, especially when something makes you feel so unlike you." Having been there, it's confusing however Madison won't let others tell her any other way. "I know in my heart no one can tell me otherwise. People have been throwing shit at me my whole life. I know who I am, and no one's gonna change my mind about it."